tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post7587352844503835411..comments2011-03-29T06:41:37.517-07:00Comments on How To Be Ideal: A Blog With Questions About Love In It (And Two Brief Mentions Of The Manford Scandal For Those Who Like The Tabloids)Emily Watson Howeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11864019627286949914noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post-88277458395739485882010-11-23T09:36:33.901-08:002010-11-23T09:36:33.901-08:00I don't think all love has to be unconditional...I don't think all love has to be unconditional to be worth anything - suspect that road leads to martrydom and a pretty miserable time. On the basis of no personal experience, it seems the way we love our children is unique; I don't think partners, friends or even siblings/parents get love quite that intense or unrelated to their behaviour. We choose everyone in our lives to some degree, except our families, and children are the only people we not only love but are responsible for.<br />While unconditional love sounds like something to aspire to, wouldn't that mean that no matter how much friends let you down, undermine you, lie to you or make you unhappy, you stick with them anyway? While we can all cut people off for relatively minor offenses or let feuds fester for no good reason, I'm not sure that giving seventh, eighth and ninety second chances to, say a cheating partner or chronically lazy colleague, is necessarily good for either of you. If someone brings more bad than good into your life, I think it's completely sane and reasonable to assess whether you still want them around. <br />With romantic love, I think everyone has their own personal definition of what betrayal means and where they draw the line of what's acceptable. I know a (very happy) couple who had an open marriage for 20+ years and several others who don't consider a casual shag they never hear about to be a deal-breaker. Both of you knowing where the line is - porn, internet flirtation, long intense dinners with attractive friends - and the consequences of crossing it, that's more important then where you choose to draw your personal line.Katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11651182582786551402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post-77515875408141701732010-11-23T09:26:38.051-08:002010-11-23T09:26:38.051-08:00Welcome to the blogosphere Emily!
I really relate...Welcome to the blogosphere Emily!<br /><br />I really relate to your article.<br />The mixed feelings about parenting : the perfect cocktail of Inextinguishable Love, Exhaustion, Pain and Anguish. <br />The strong sense of right and wrong, the views on betrayal(by close friends too) and the natural 'cutting-bridges' reaction... even the family feuds, everything.<br />Except for the "whipping of the tits out" bit, that I generally leave to my wife.<br /><br />I'm just debating with myself about your conclusion.<br />Is there the same sense of betrayal towards porn ?<br />In the highly unlikely hypothesis that your husband might indulged, sometime, in some sort of solitary relaxation, with the help, or not, of pictures of breasts ; is the offence as great than if you had a relationship - or some prior communication/knowledge with/of the owner of the aforementioned breasts ? Manford's problem was closer to web-adultery than sheer used of pornography.<br />Would you forbid Mark the use of the entire internet(well... probably just 90% of it) ? Or the furtive look towards the top-shelf for the thrill of the disapproving looks of an over-50 news-agent ? Or, against all sense of Britishness, forbid him the read of The Sun ?!<br />Over all, I wouldn't think it would be enough to end a relationship on the matter... even if forbidding one to buy the Sun is a very tempting argument... not that I'm implying that Mark is a Sun reader, I wouldn't thing so but I don't know.Jeffwhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13727923475881903056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post-6069463277176380552010-11-23T09:08:07.199-08:002010-11-23T09:08:07.199-08:00I am writing this as a twenty year old boy who is ...I am writing this as a twenty year old boy who is not a parent and is about to leave a rather detailed and pensive comment on a stranger's blog, nonetheless:<br />We are wrong, we will always be wrong. Whether it is in how we treat someone else, how we react to someone else or even in our very notions of right and wrong. Things always change, our perceptions change and the foundations of those perceptions. You may have felt at the time you cut this person out that it was the right thing to do, maybe now you feel it is the wrong thing to have done. Nothing is concrete.<br />However that is not an ideal way to live your life, its a pretty shit one, I know, I've tried. You have to go on what you feel at the time, and ignore objectivity. Objectivity no matter how rational, logical or beautiful it may be is flawed as we as people are not objective, we are not rational and we are not logical. And the prime example of this is love.<br />We can like people for many reasons, strong genetics, intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, we can even love them for those reasons. But more often than not we cannot define why it is we love someone or something, there will be something about them that escapes our use of language and our power for reasoning, be it the way they tilt their head whilst they speak, or the way they curl their toes when they're nervous, or one of the infinite other unfathomable reasons why we love. From everything you (and countless other parents) say about child rearing, it is a nightmare, and they don't understand, but you love them nonetheless. It's wild, unpredictable, awful and euphoric. <br />Whilst embracing pure objectivity is no way to live your life, nor is living consequencelessly on the whims of emotion. You need to find a balance between the two, not tear apart every moment looking for meaning but also not acting on the first impulse you have. <br />It's the same line we must walk in relationships, you cannot pick at everything and try and work out every possible thing that may occurr, as human beings we just don't have the capacity for this. But they do take work, and the willingness to reasses what you thought, to apologise, to change.<br />In no way is this how to be ideal, but that's because there is no ideal, as I said at the start perceptions change. And with love, love is forever, but our perceptions of what that love is or what form it takes changes. You may still love this person, but maybe they aren't that person anymore so the process of loving them becomes past tense.<br />And one final comment on this now rather long but hopefully sensical comment, with regards Watson and Twitter I think it very much depends on whose breasts he's got pictures of.<br />Sam SchaferAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post-83864616893552845522010-11-23T08:59:58.017-08:002010-11-23T08:59:58.017-08:00I am writing this as a twenty year old boy who is ...I am writing this as a twenty year old boy who is not a parent and is about to leave a rather detailed and pensive comment on a stranger's blog, nonetheless:<br />We are wrong, we will always be wrong. Whether it is in how we treat someone else, how we react to someone else or even in our very notions of right and wrong. Things always change, our perceptions change and the foundations of those perceptions. You may have felt at the time you cut this person out that it was the right thing to do, maybe now you feel it is the wrong thing to have done. Nothing is concrete.<br />However that is not an ideal way to live your life, its a pretty shit one, I know, I've tried. You have to go on what you feel at the time, and ignore objectivity. Objectivity no matter how rational, logical or beautiful it may be is flawed as we as people are not objective, we are not rational and we are not logical. And the prime example of this is love.<br />We can like people for many reasons, strong genetics, intelligence, wit, charm, beauty, we can even love them for those reasons. But more often than not we cannot define why it is we love someone or something, there will be something about them that escapes our use of language and our power for reasoning, be it the way they tilt their head whilst they speak, or the way they curl their toes when they're nervous, or one of the infinite other unfathomable reasons why we love. From everything you (and countless other parents) say about child rearing, it is a nightmare, and they don't understand, but you love them nonetheless. It's wild, unpredictable, awful and euphoric. <br />Whilst embracing pure objectivity is no way to live your life, nor is living consequencelessly on the whims of emotion. You need to find a balance between the two, not tear apart every moment looking for meaning but also not acting on the first impulse you have. <br />It's the same line we must walk in relationships, you cannot pick at everything and try and work out every possible thing that may occurr, as human beings we just don't have the capacity for this. But they do take work, and the willingness to reasses what you thought, to apologise, to change.<br />In no way is this how to be ideal, but that's because there is no ideal, as I said at the start perceptions change. And with love, love is forever, but our perceptions of what that love is or what form it takes changes. You may still love this person, but maybe they aren't that person anymore so the process of loving them becomes past tense.<br />And one final comment on this now rather long but hopefully sensical comment, with regards Watson and Twitter I think it very much depends on whose breasts he's got pictures of.<br />Sam SchaferAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1996598263392056979.post-83274136442979246812010-11-23T08:52:56.694-08:002010-11-23T08:52:56.694-08:00I'm not sure if it is always the best thing bu...I'm not sure if it is always the best thing but I tend to see things in black and white so if someone does something wrong, thats it. Maybe I'm niave but I really don't understand how some people manage to forgive.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17613719013701698752noreply@blogger.com